Welcome, millennials, to the only dating guide that acknowledges the true witnesses to your romantic failures: your houseplants. That snake plant has seen things. Terrible, awkward things. Like that time you practiced your Hinge introduction in the mirror for 45 minutes before accidentally sending a voice memo of you singing the Pokémon theme song instead.
If your apartment is starting to look like a botanical garden and your most meaningful relationship is with your monstera, this book is for you. We'll navigate the treacherous waters of modern dating together, armed with nothing but our anxiety, student debt, and an unhealthy attachment to avocado toast.
Remember: Your plants want you to succeed. They're tired of absorbing your tears as hydration.
Tinder: The wild west. Enter at your own risk. Home to people who "love adventures," which usually means they once ate at a restaurant without checking the Yelp reviews first.
Hinge: Where you'll find people pretending they read books. Pro tip: Ask them about the ending of their listed favorite novel. Watch them malfunction in real-time.
Bumble: The app that gave women the power to make the first move, only for them to send "hey" and immediately return the conversational burden to men.
OkCupid: For people who enjoy writing essays about themselves that nobody will read.
Coffee Meets Bagel: For those who think their dating life would improve if it had a breakfast-themed metaphor.
Your dating profile should be like your Instagram feed: a carefully curated lie that's just believable enough. Here are the essential elements:
Photos: Include at least one picture of you with a dog (borrowed is fine), one doing something outdoorsy (even if you had an asthma attack immediately after), and one "candid" shot that took 74 attempts to get right.
Bio: Keep it mysterious yet approachable. Something like "I enjoy oxygen and converting food into energy" shows you have the basic requirements for human life without revealing too much.
Interests: List hobbies that make you seem well-rounded yet not pretentious. "Hiking" is acceptable even if your idea of wilderness is the walk from your car to Target. Never admit you spend most evenings scrolling TikTok while eating cereal for dinner.